Netas become austere

Early in the morning, well not so early in the morning, I saw this cartoon in The Times of India. This got the cogwheels of my though process churning at full speed.

Sitting on my throne, read the pot, enhanced my thinking capabilities (this is the reason why I always read newspaper in the loo). Are these netas really serious about this austerity crap? Or rather, will this I-travel-economy-class rhetoric help our economy in any way?

I am sceptical about this. And I have my reasons.

Lets sample this news piece from ibnlive :

The Congress-led UPA Government is on an austerity drive. UPA chief Sonia Gandhi flew down to Mumbai on an Air India flight and traveled in Economy class. But add to the expenses, the costs of fares for five rows reserved for the security personnel and the three SUVs flown down to Mumbai by another aircraft at the cost of rupees three lakh.

Sonia Gandhi’s status of ‘the most guarded VIP in Delhi’ necessitated that she travels with security personnel. The total expenses of the economy class travel with 15 seats in all were Rs 55,000 compared to the travel in business class with six security personnel at the cost of Rs 62,000. The savings were a mere Rs 7,000.

This is some real saving, huh!!

Anyways, I looked up the Internet and found out the meaning of austerity:

the trait of great self-denial (especially refraining from worldly pleasures)

Hmmmm... so the netas are going to give up their worldly pleasures. Wonder what will the Mallayas and Ambanis think of that.

In a country where we spend some 500 Crores a year just to let 545 bozos have fun in a big round building, I don't think we can talk of austerity. If these netas want to utilize our money better, they need to show results. We, the people, would be ecstatic if the netas save money for millions of people by governing well, allocating money properly and avoiding wastage.

To show these token reduction of costs by travelling economy is bullshit. BTW, did you hear? Rahul Gandhi has taken a train to travel to Ludhiyana. Wonder what bogey did he sit in. For the sake of all the poor passengers, I hope he didn't get on the second class compartment.

P.S. I just found out that the Shatabdi Rahul took was pelted with stones. Though Rahul was unhurt but this caused a major security concern for the normal people on the train. People who paid from their pockets and not from the deep pockets of the government machinery.

Early morning blues....

Dear Friend,

r u Facing Problem wit Cockroach, Rodent, Ants, Lizards, Bedbugs, Termite, Honey bee or any other pests call us @9663****83.

What do you do when you receive this message 4 times in a row? That too at 7 o'clock in the morning.

I got pissed off and typed in a reply message :

I am not your friend and the only pest problem right now is you guys sending me this bullshit message.

But then my Indian-ness held me back from sending the reply. I tell you, we Indians are so meek. We can take any crap, I repeat any crap, they throw at us without complaining. No wonder the angrezs ruled over us for 200 goddamn years.

Whats with this carpet bombing of marketing smses? Do these morons think I missed the message the first time? If its a technical glitch, then why the hell is it only targeting me?

I am fed up, sick and tired of these messages. Can I do something about it? I have heard about DND services. I have always thought of starting one on my number but then I always forget about it.

Or maybe, I love getting smses about a flat at dirt cheap rates of 49.97 Lacks and free Benetton Sunglasses. BTW, the flat is of just 1200 square feet and situated on the NH4, about 10 kms from the city. Oh! Wouldn't I love spending some sixty - seventy lacks on a house in which I cannot live; as I can't afford to commute for two and a half hours every day. And the Benetton guys need 499/- only for shipping charges. As if they are going to ship it to me from US of A.

I love such messages because they give me something to dream about. And they come only once or twice a day. That too in the afternoons.

But after today's episode, I am totally pissed off. I am gonna get my carrier to put a full stop to these con tricks of the marketing guys.

Concoction for a successful married life

Disclaimers:

1. These views are from a guy. It has got no point-of-view of a girl. So please don't expect it to have one.
2. If you don't like straight in your face remarks then no need to read further.
3. This is a very scary post, written in a momentary lapse of better judgement.
4. Still there? You are a brave one. Welcome to the club.
   

Yesterday one of my friends asked me a stupid, weird question, "What is the secret of a successful marriage?".

I thought, "Is he really talking to me?".

Am I the right person to answer this question? Me? Who has been married just for 2 years?

This is my albatross. People (specially my friends) mistake me to be a loveguru. Someone asks me for an advice on how to deal with his girlfriend. Some one asks me to cajole his girlfriend to marry him. And now this question.

Just because I am married, and they are not, doesn't make me a smartass. I am just as dumb in these matters as they are. I want to scream out to anyone who cares to listen, "I am also a normal confused adult in his mid-twenties. I am also coming to terms with the realities of life. "

Anyways, this question led me down an analysis path, and its impossible to rein in my thoughts unless I give shape to them. I want to give words to my observations. Hence this post.

Now, there are two phases of marriage, pre and post. The duration of happiness in your marriage depends on your decisions and actions in both these phases.

Pre Marriage

Before you decide to marry a girl, you have to be sure that she is the one. Three parameters which help you judge this are:

1. Would you like to wake up and see this face every morning, 10 years from now?

I know this question has been in every cookbook for knowing if "She is the one". But then this is the most important question.

I love the series Coupling from BBC. In one episode, Steve says "There are no stockings". This is the ultimate truth of a relationship. Times change, girls change. Period.

The slim, shiny angel of yours WILL not live for ever. They will turn fat. They will have wrinkles. They will loose hair. So if you are marrying for beauty then take a u-turn and run as fast as you can.

2. Can you put up with her idiosyncrasies?

Her stupid questions, on which you laugh at now and say, "Oh sweetheart! You are such a cute little stupid angel", will turn into nagging.

Suppose you are watching a cricket match. India is in its last overs in a crucial match against Pakistan. Its a world cup final and the match hangs by a damn thin thread. Suddenly your sweetheart stands up and says, "I am bored, tell me a story. NOW". OK. She won't say this but then she may say something as stupid. Are you ready to handle this?

3. Does she fit in your family?

It doesn't matter where she is from, or what religion she is from or what culture she belongs to. What matters is, will she be able to adapt for the 15 days every year you go to meet your parents? Compromises are the ugly truth of life. Is she ready for it?

Every guy carries a deep love for his mum and dad. Whether he shows it openly or not is another story altogether. So, if his wife starts finding faults with his parents then the trouble starts. This not only disturbs his mind but also affects the marriage.

So look for a girl, who will respect your parents. She may never love them as much as she does her parents. But then she must give as much respect.


Hmmmm... that completes it.

The first two conditions are infallible. Girls age. Girls ask stupid questions. Be it Sharone Stone or Marie Curie. She will grow to be an old nag. Be prepared for it.

So it all depends on how much you love the girl. And how much you can take for her sake.

The third condition needs to be fulfilled by the girl. She needs to understand that at the very depths of our hearts, we all guys are momma's boys. We have grown up respecting only one woman all our lives. We can't bear to listen to her shortcomings from the other love of our life.

Post Marriage

So, you have found out the girl of your dreams and have married her. Now what?

Is this the end of the tunnel? Have you found out the light at last? Have you found moksha?

Dfinitely not dude. Marriage is a constant struggle. Most of the times all the odds will be stacked up against you. There will be pressure of society, parents, peers, siblings and wife to perform. To win a race in which you are running alone. People will expect you to behave in a certain way and with dignity.

Goodbye daru parties. Goodbye sutta. Goodbye bathing once in a month. Goodbye a lot of things.

There will be a stranger (or maybe a not so stranger in case you had a live in before marriage) in the bedroom commanding you to take a bath before you sleep. What the hell is the point of taking a bath when you are going to sleep? Dude... you will never knwo this secret, but you will have to do it.

You will have your side of the bed, your part of the wardrobe, your side of the TV remote. Your bike and your PC won't remain the first love of your lives.

"Wait! Its not what I signed on for", you will cry every night. But then, you have signed the contract and you will have to honor the code.

So how to live in such a constrained world, where you have a little or no choice at all?

Here is the hitchhiker's guide to have a successful marriage:

1. Never build up expectations.

We guys pamper our gals in the initial stages of our courtship. Give them everything they lay their eyes on. Even the stars and the moons. Wish them on their birthdays, their parents birthdays, their neighbour's dog's birthday. Celebrate all your anniversaries. First kiss, first touch, first eye contact, bloody first time you two saw each other's photos on Facebook.

But then that's how we are supposed to behave, isn't it? I know.

However, what after you get married? You start forgetting her medicine routines, her ration lists, paying the electricity bill, the phone bill. There are tons of things you start forgetting. This is when the fun starts. She expects you to be the same you were in the first few weeks of courtship. Can you live up to the expectations?

So the best approach is that you keep her expectations low right from the word go. In this case every time you remember some thing, she will be totally smashed.

On a serious note, try to be the same. I know its difficult but then to raise expectations and then break her heart is not done, right?

2. Kiss and say sorry.

Never expect her to say sorry even if she is on the 'other' side of the argument. There is only one golden rule "Wife is never wrong". Say sorry and pacify her first. No use shouting at her when both of you are angry. Once she is pacified, try to reason out with her. I know, I know... its very difficult to reason with your wife. But then so is to see her in pain, isn't it?

Never let your fights go on for more than a day. Never, never sleep on one. Always sort it out before it turns into an ugly, monstrous rift.

Small fights bring out the best in marriage, but the longer ones bring in divorce.

3. Try and help her out in her daily chores.

Nothing keeps a woman more happy than a man who helps her out in the household chores. Remember that she was also a part of a family where she was never allowed in the kitchen. She was never expected to do the dishes and clean up the house. So, she is as new to these things as you are.

Once in a while cook for her. Maybe a simple toast and tea. But then do it. She won't ever expect a seven course meal but then she will love to see you try.

4. Gift her as often as you can.

Small gifts. Flowers. Chocolates. Jewellery. An unexpected movie date. The list is endless. You need to keep the fire alive.

She makes a lot of sacrifices for you. Cooks for you, washes out your dirty clothes, heck she even makes you bath twice a day. She definitely deserves a show of gratitude.

5. Keep the passion alive.

You need to stoke the fire in your marriage. There is tonnes of literature on the net as well as the bookstalls on how to have a passionate sex life. Its the most important secret ingredient to a successful married life.

6. Be honest.

Honesty is the best policy, specially in an intimate relationship as marriage. Trust is the only virtue which will save your marriage when confronted with ugly situation.

7. Keep talking.

You need to have a constant conversation going on between the two of you. Trust me, nothing can diffuse a situation as amicably as having an honest discussion about what happened. Never ever clam up. Speak out your likes and dislikes. This will make clear your expectations.

Whooo!! The post ran long. Marriage indeed needs a lot of hard work. But when the going is smooth (as it does mostly) its the best relationship in the world. You need to smoothen out the rough edges though.

Hope you all have a great married life. Good luck and God bless!!

An Indian SuperHero Flick

A thought has been nagging me for the last few days. When ADA group can invest 400 odd million greenbacks in movies with American superheroes, why can't we have one from India. And no, I am not talking about a movie about Shaktiman. Drona doesn't count as a superhero either. At the best, he is a great grump but no superhero.

Lets have a movie based on our favorite superheroes from Raj comics. Nagraj and Super Commando Dhruv. WHAT!! You don't know them? Damn man!! You don't deserve to live in India. These are our Superman, Spiderman, Batman, Chaddiman, every man rolled in one. I can go on and on about the heroics of these two. After all, I have followed them for 20 long years. But I won't. Go to the nearest bookstore and get a Raj comics. They will rock your world. You can trust me on this.

Now, coming to the cast, I have Hritick Roshan as Nagraj and Amir Khan as SCD. Both fit the bill perfectly. Hritick has the height and physique to pull it off in the green suit. He even has the natural curls like Nagraj. Amir Khan, post Ghajini has got the looks and the physique. He also looks smart enough to potray a person with super thinking capabilities.

As for the story is concerned, we can have their childhood and upbringing being shown in a parallel way. As the movie nears the climax, we can have a clash between the two as they fight the same bad bad man (Our very own Gullu). The tension builds up before they come to know both fight against the dark, evil forces and then join hands to beat the shit off Gullu. Ta da. A great movie with all great action scenes. It will earn more than Batman Returns and Superman Returns combined.

The VFX can be done by our own desi animators sitting in Bangalore and Bombay. When they can work on movies like Matrix and Madagascar, they must be truly world class, isn't it? I personally know a few who can do these.

A R Rahman can give the OSTs, and wait for one more Oscar perhaps. We can have Papa Rakesh Roshan as the director. He has got experience in directing superheroes, remember Krrish?

Do Aankhen Barah Haath

Last time I watched this movie, I was a 10 year old kid.

Those were the days of Doordarshan, frequent "Sorry for the Interruption"s and power cuts. Economic liberalisation of India was going on in full swing, with the PV Narasimha Rao & Co. working full time to repay the loan by the IMF. How do I know all these when I was just a kid then? Wikipedia. Its the mahagyani encyclopedia, remember?

Coming back to the movie, all that I remembered is the song "Aye Malik tere Bande hum". Sung by Lata Mangeshkar and written by Bharat Vyas, its melody touches your heart. I also remembered that it was an awesome movie.

When I told biwi about this movie, she wanted to watch it. We searched all over Bangalore for the DVD, even placed order with Landmark twice, but couldn't find it. Luckily when we went, last weekend, to the new Landmark in Jaynagar, we saw it on the stalls. Biwi hastily picked it up lest we miss it again.

Yesternight after we saw the movie, I realised I was a connoisseur of movies even when I was a kid. It is really an awesome movie.

I won't spoil the fun of the movie by telling the story here. Its a must watch for any movie buff and is a masterpiece by V. Shantaram. Its a movie based on the gandhian principles and is one of the best exponents of this genre. Way better than Lage Raho.

Before I sign off, I want to say is that is the first Indian film to win a Golden Globe Award.